The third unfortunate gift/box -- set of this New York Times best -- selling series, which will include The Vile Village, The Hostile Hospital, and The Carnivorous Carnival.

Like bad smells, uninvited weekend guests or very old eggs, there are some things that ought to be avoided.

Snicket's saga about the charming, intelligent, and grossly unlucky Baudelaire orphans continues to alarm its distressed and suspicious fans the world over. The 10th book in this outrageous publishing effort features more than the usual dose of distressing details, such as snow gnats, an organised troupe of youngsters, an evil villain with a dastardly plan, a secret headquarters and some dangerous antics you should not try at home. With the weather turning colder, this is one chilling book you would be better off without.

Ages 10+

Dear Listener,

The word carnivorous means meat eating and this carnivorous volume contains such a distressing story that consuming any of its contents would be far more stomach-turning than even the most imbalanced meal.

It would be best if I didn't mention any of the unnerving ingredients of this story, particularly, an unruly crowd, a wooden plank, and Chabo the Wolf Baby. I also shouldn't mention the features of the interactive CD, which include:

Perplexing word games
Photos from The Lemony Snicket Archives
Art from The Brett Helquist gallery

Sadly for me, I continue to research the lives of the Baudelaire orphans, but your time might be filled with something more palatable. With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

Performed by Tim Curry

Dear Listener,

I'm sorry to say that the audiobook you arc holding in your hands is extremely unpleasant. It tells an unhappy tale about three very unlucky children. Even though they are charming and clever, the Baudelaire siblings lead lives filled with misery and woe. From the very beginning of this Program when the children are at the beach and receive terrible news, continuing on to the entire story, disaster lurks at their heels. One might say they are magnets for misfortune. In this short audiobook alone, the three youngsters encounter a greedy and repulsive villain, itchy clothing, a disastrous fire, a plot to steal their fortune, and cold porridge for breakfast. It is my sad duty to tell these unpleasant tales, but there is nothing stopping you from turning off this audio and listening to something happy, if you prefer that sort of thing.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

Dear Reader,

If you have just picked up this audio, then it is not too late to put it back down. Like the previous books in A Series of Unfortunate Events, there is nothing to be found in these pages but misery, despair, and discomfort, and you still have time to choose something else to read.

Within the chapters of this story, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire encounter a darkened staircase, a red herring, some friends in a dire situation, three mysterious initials, a liar with an evil scheme, a secret passageway, and parsley soda.

I have sworn to write down these tales of the Baudelaire orphans so the general public will know each terrible thing that has happened to them, but if you decide to read something else instead, you will save yourself from a heapful of horror and woe.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

Dear Listener,

Nobody in their right minds would listen to this particular book about the lives of Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire on purpose, because each dismal moment of their stay at the village of V.F.D. has been faithfully and dreadfully recorded on this CD.

I can think of no reason why anyone would want to listen to a book containing such unpleasant matters as migrating crows, an angry mob, a newspaper headline, the Duluxe Cell, and some very strange hats.

I also shouldn't mention the interactive features of the CD, which include:

A perplexing word game • Photos from The Lemony Snicket Archives • Art from The Brett Helquist gallery

It is my solemn and sacred occupation to research each detail of the Baudelaire children's lives and write them all down, but you may decide to do some other sacred and solemn thing, such as listening to another book instead.

With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket

Dear Listener,

This audio is the only one which describes every last detail of the Baudelaire children's miserable stay at Heimlich Hospital, which makes it one of the most dreadful audios in the world.

There are many pleasant things to listen to, but this audio contains not one of them. Within it are such gruesome details as a suspicious shopkeeper, unnecessary surgery, anesthesia, heart-shaped balloons, and some very startling news about a fire. Clearly you do not want to hear about such things.

I also shouldn't mention the interactive features of the CD, which include:

A perplexing word game • Photos from The Lemony Snicket Archives • Art from The Brett Helquist gallery

I have sworn to research and record this story as best I can, so I should know that this audio is something best left on the ground, where you undoubtedly found it.

With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket

WARNING: LISTENING TO THIS TAPE WILL ONLY MAKE YOU WEEP...

Dear Listener,

If you are looking for a story about cheerful youngsters spending a jolly time at boarding school, look elsewhere. Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire are intelligent and resourceful children, and you might expect that they would do very well at school.

Don't.

For the Baudelaires, school turns out to be another miserable episode in their unlucky lives. Truth be told, within the chapters that make up this dreadful story, the children will face snapping crabs, strict punishments, dripping fungus, comprehensive exams, violin recitals. S.O.R.E., and the metric system.

It is my solemn duty to stay up all night reading my history of these three hapless youngsters into a microphone, but you may be more comfortable getting a good night's sleep. In that case, you should probably listen to something else.

With all due respect,

LEMONY SNICKET

A Warning from the Publisher:

Many readers have questions about Lemony Snicket, author of the distressing serial concerning the trials of the charming but unlucky Baudelaire orphans, published under the collective title A Series of Unfortunate Events. Before purchasing, borrowing, or stealing this book, you should be aware that it contains the answers to some of those questions, such as the following:

1. Who is Lemony?

2. Is there a secret organization I should know about?

3. Why does Lemony Snicket spend his time researching and writing distressing books concerning the Baudelaire orphans?

4. Why do all of Lemony Snicket's books concerning a sad dedication to a woman named Beatrice?

5. If there's nothing out there, what was that noise?

Our advice to you is that you find a book that answers less upsetting questions than this one. Perhaps your librarian, bookseller, or parole officer can recommend a book that answers the question, 'Aren't ponies adorable?'

'Egregio lettore, sono dolente che questa carta sia così umida, ma Le scrivo dal luogo in cui erano tenuti nascosti i trigemini Pantano. La prossima volta che resterà senza latte, ne compri un cartone alla cassa n. 19 del Non-Tanto-Super-Mercato. Quando arriverà a casa, troverà che la descrizione delle recenti esperienze dei Baudelaire in questa terrificante città, intitolata 'Il vile villaggio', è stata introdotta nella sua busta della spesa, insieme a una fiaccola spenta, la punta di un arpione, e un grafico dei percorsi migratori dei corvi di V.F.' (Lemony Snicket.) Età di lettura: da 8 anni.

Everybody loves a carnival! Who can fail to delight in the colourful people, the unworldly spectacle, the fabulous freaks?

A carnival is a place for good family fun - as long as one has a family, that is. For the Baudelaire orphans, their time at the carnival turns out to be yet another episode in a now unbearable series of unfortunate events. In fact, in this appalling ninth instalment in Lemony Snicket's serial, the siblings must confront a terrible lie, a caravan, and Chabo the wolf baby. With millions of readers worldwide, and the Baudelaire's fate turning from unpleasant to unseemly, it is clear that Lemony Snicket has taken nearly all the fun out of children's books.

Ages 10+

What could be worse than a book by Lemony Snicket? Three books by Lemony Snicket—all in one foul package. This second Box of Unfortunate Events, contains The Miserable Mill, The Austere Academy, and The Ersatz Elevator.

In anticipation of the forthcoming release of The Slippery Slope (A Series of Unfortunate Events Book the Tenth) don't miss this depressing opportunity to warn even more readers off Lemony Snicket.

Finally, here is the definitive – and only – book for anyone interested in learning more about the alarmingly elusive author.

Ages 10+

The first Series of Unfortunate Events gift/box-set of this New York Times best-selling series.

The set includes The Bad Beginning, The Reptile Room, and The Wide Window.

The Baudelaires need a safe place to stay - somewhere far away from terrible villains and local police. A quiet refuge where misfortune never visits. Might Heimlich Hospital be just the place? In Lemony Snicket's eighth ghastly instalment in A Series of Unfortunate Events, I'm sorry to say that the Baudelaire Orphans will spend time in a hospital where they risk encountering a misleading newspaper headline, unnecessary surgery, an intercom system, anesthesia, heart-shaped balloons, and some very startling news about a fire.

Ages 10+

As the Baudelaire children hike across the flat dusty terrain leading to the village where they will soon live, they can't help but wonder what lies ahead. Could this be the place where they might finally be happy?

Violet, who is an inventor, might be happy if she gets a chance to do some inventing. Of course, it would be less enjoyable if her invention was desperately needed to escape danger. Her brother, Klaus, loves to read, and might be happy if the town has some books. Though he would not like them as much if he had to stay up all night reading in search of an urgent piece of information. Their baby sister, Sunny, likes to bite things and might be happy if she finds something to sink her teeth into. However, it would be less fun if her teeth got her into big trouble.

Whether their stay in the village will bring the children happiness is a mystery. But as the Baudelaires trudge on toward the hazy town in the distance, they can only hope that what awaits them there isn't the most miserable in a series of unfortunate events.

In their most daring misadventure, the Baudelaire orphans are adopted by very, very rich people, whose penthouse apartment is located mysteriously close to the place where all their misfortune began. Even though their new home in the city is fancy, and the children are clever and charming, I'm sorry to say that still, the unlucky orphans will encounter more disaster and woe. In fact, in this sixth book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, the children will experience a darkened staircase, a red herring, an auction, parsley soda, some friends in a dire situation, a secret passageway, and pinstripe suits.

Both literary and irreverent, hilarious and deftly crafted, A Series of Unfortunate Events offers an exquisitely dark comedy in the tradition of Edward Gorey and Roald Dahl. Lemon Snicket's uproariously unhappy books continue to win readers, despite all his warning.

Ages 10+

As the three Baudelaire orphans warily approach their new home Prufrock Preparatory School : they can't help but notice the enormous stone arch bearing the school's motto Memento Mori or 'Remember you will die.' This is not a cheerful greeting and certainly marks an inauspicious beginning to a very bleak story just as we have come to expect from Lemony Snickett's Series of Unfortunate Events, the deliciously morbid set of books that began with The Bad Beginning and only got worse.

Ages 10+

I hope, for your sake, that you have not chosen to read this book because you are in the mood for a pleasant experience. If this is the case, I advise you to put this book down instantaneously, because of all the books describing the unhappy lives of the Baudelaire orphans, The Miserable Mill might be the unhappiest yet. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire are sent to Paltryville to work in a lumber mill, and they find disaster and misfortune lurking behind every log. The pages of this book, I'm sorry to inform you, contain such unpleasantries as a giant pincher machine, a bad casserole, a man with a cloud of smoke where his head should be, a hypnotist, a terrible accident resulting in injury, and coupons. I have promised to write down the entire history of these three poor children, but you haven't, so if you prefer stories that are more heartwarming, please feel free to make another selection.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

Ages 10+

As the Baudelaire orphans look out the grimy window of the train taking them to the Lucky Smells Lumbermill to live, they can't help but wonder what lies ahead.

For Violet, who is an inventor, perhaps there will be machines to observe. Machines that saw wood can be very interesting, even though in the wrong hands they can be the cause of ghastly accidents.

And for Klaus, who enjoys reading immensely, perhaps there will be a library. Information found in a book can be very useful. Especially if an evil doctor is lurking about.

And for Sunny, who likes nothing better than to bite things with her four sharp teeth, perhaps there will be bark to chew. It is important to keep teeth sharp when someone close by may be hiding a sword.

As the train pulls into the station, one thing is certain: The unlucky Baudelaire orphans had best keep their teeth, wits, and minds sharp, for whatever awaits them at the mill may well be the deadliest in a series of unfortunate events.

Dear Reader,

If you have not read anything about the Baudelaire orphans, then before you read even one more sentence, you should know this: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are kindhearted and quick-witted, but their lives, I am sorry to say, are filled with bad luck and misery. All of the stories about these three children are unhappy and wretched, and this one may be the worst of them all.If you haven't got the stomach for a story that includes a hurricane, a signalling device, hungry leeches, cold cucumber soup, a horrible villain, and a doll named Pretty Penny, then this book will probably fill you with despair.I will continue to record these tragic tales, for that is what I do. You, however, should decide for yourself whether you can possibly endure this miserable story.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

Ages 10+

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire are intelligent children. They are charming, and resourceful, and have pleasant facial features. Unfortunately, they are exceptionally unlucky.

In the first two books alone, the three youngsters encounter a greedy and repulsive villain, itchy clothing, a disastrous fire, a plot to steal their fortune, a lumpy bed, a deadly serpent, a large brass reading lamp, a long knife, and a terrible odour.

In the tradition of great storytellers, from Dickens to Dahl, comes an exquisitely dark comedy that is both literary and irreverent, hilarious and deftly crafted. Never before has a tale of three likeable and unfortunate children been quite so enchanting, or quite so uproariously unhappy.

Ages 10+

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire are intelligent children. They are charming, and resourceful, and have pleasant facial features. Unfortunately, they are exceptionally unlucky.

In the first two books alone, the three youngsters encounter a greedy and repulsive villain, itchy clothing, a disastrous fire, a plot to steal their fortune, a lumpy bed, a deadly serpent, a large brass reading lamp, a long knife, and a terrible odour.

In the tradition of great storytellers, from Dickens to Dahl, comes an exquisitely dark comedy that is both literary and irreverent, hilarious and deftly crafted. Never before has a tale of three likeable and unfortunate children been quite so enchanting, or quite so uproariously unhappy.

Ages 10+